Life is going pretty well at the moment! I am feeling truly blessed.
 

I just got a job offer that I have been dreaming of.. working in a hospital. The pay is awesome, and I only work 4 days a week, and have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. I had all the paperwork go through last week, and all my tests have come back. I am cleared to start work. On August 8th I have my orientation. I'm excited to have a great job, and be able to move on with my life.
 

It must have been National Hiring Day because I got my job at the hospital, my guy friend got his, and my sisters boyfriend got his. It's crazy to think that all 5 of us living in the house are now working. Before only my mom, dad and younger sister were working so things were a struggle. Now I feel that we'll be able to breathe.
 

With the pay being so well hopefully I'll be able to get a car, and start saving for the future. Which would be awesome. I can't help it I've already started looking at cars. A car is the first check to make on that checklist. Then I'll have more freedom to come and go as I please, and be able to see my friends. If I feel like taking Ginger and I on a road trip when I'm off work.. So be it. :)

A guy has come back into my life that I haven't talked to in about 2 years. He's awesome. So sweet, and funny. And there's just this thing he and I had way back when. It was a spark. He and I are talking just as friends for now, and will see where things go, but so far the feelings are mutual.
 

My mom and I are planning on starting school in January for the same program, radiology. So that's just one more thing to check off my "Life To Do" List.
 

I am starting to truly believe in the saying 'Good things come to those who wait' I waited over a year to find the perfect job, and with this guy coming back in my life you never know whats going to happen. I just wanted to update with what's going on. I hope everyone of my blogger friends are doing well!

Osteosarcoma

My Dad, My sis and Stan :)

My sister's best friend Stan found out he has Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) It's a malignant tumor on his spine and the outcome is not very bright. He is a great kid, and he's one of our family. He is like a brother to me. He sadly can't afford to have any of the treatments, or the surgery. He needs to have the surgery done by next month, or there is no chance for him. We are wanting to do some fund raisers for him, so that he can have a chance at life. He deserves it. He is the type of person who would do anything to make another person happy even if it means sacrificing for himself.  If you have any suggestions for fundraising let me know all help/opinions would be appreciated.

On This Day

RIP CJ
Let me start by saying how we've gotten to this point. Last week, my mom, sis and I were driving by a local bowling alley where there was crime scene tape, ambulances, and many police cars. We were wondering what happened. Come to find out some teenagers were at the local bowling alley having fun in the parking lot. They thought it would be fun to jump on a car because their friend, whom was the driver, locked them out. Well at this point the driver put it in reverse, and CJ was the only one who held on. The driver screeched to a stop and CJ fell off cracking his head. He was rushed to Lakeland Regional Hospital, they did surgery and had to put him into a medically induced coma.

He passed away today

He was my sister's ex boyfriend, I only knew him through her. Even so, its crazy to think that a person that you hardly knew passed away. Its a small town. Where everyone knows everything, and to know someone that something so tragic to is really crazy to imagine.

RIP CJ I hope you have found peace, and happiness.

Dontcha Hate

When ungrateful ex "friends" come strolling through your every thought?

I DO

He was a good for nothing, two-timing, pathological liar, who toyed with my emotions for far too long... but he's the one person whom on some days I can't stop thinking about...
I know in my gut he's not good for me, and will never be, but who can judge me for thinking about how he's doing, and how his kids are doing, or what he's up to?.. I know all my friends/family would slap me for even thinking like that.. but I can't help it.. There are places that he and I used to go, or conversations we had that a place reminds me of.. and then my mind goes to him again. I pray and pray that it would stop and just go away. I think a lot of the times that maybe it would be good if him and I just stayed friends, and that I didn't kick/force him out of my life? But then the realization sinks in telling me "its better this way.. you'll be able to move on with your life and find someone truly worth you"--well its not so much the realization its my family/friends voices running through my head. What is there to do? Nothing.. Time heals all they say... and hopefully this time will quickly pass.. and I'll be able to open my heart once again.

Fantasy

If any female has seen "Fast Five" Then they may understand...

The Rock & Vin Diesel fighting....


I have a fantasy of them 2 =]

That is all..

Fitness

So my family and I got a free 7 day pass at Anytime Fitness. Tomorrow we'll be on day 4.. Too bad we've been twice, Sunday their closed and it took a day off. I'm happy we're going. I definitely feel the burn, but I'm loving it. I want to join so bad, but too bad my bank account says otherwise. It's only $50 for the start up and $20 a month after that. A girl can dream right? For now I'll have to settle with what I can do. Thank Goodness that we have a treadmill at my house, but it's not the same atmosphere at the gym, plus they have the strength equipment that I don't have. Anyone have any strength equipment for cheap (aka household things or homemade things to make strength equipment). I am really enjoying that my whole family goes. Tomorrow my dad sis and I will be going early and then my mom will go when she gets off of work.
Bed time
Nighty Night Bloggers

Finally

It's official!!!

Perfection Doesn't Exist (warning: Negitivity ahead)

I must warn in advance, this blog is full of negativity and anger. If you don't think you can handle it/get offended by what I post, then go find something else to read, because I'm in a IDGAF mood. Alrighty then, On with the frustration:

Who ever thinks that perfection does exist is in complete denial that there is anything wrong.

The perfect man/woman does not exist.
The perfect relationship does not exist.
The perfect marriage does not exist.
The perfect child does not exist.
The perfect job does not exist.
The perfect house does not exist.
The perfect life does not exist.
The perfect family does not exist.
The perfect friends does not exist.
No one is perfect.
The perfect (insert object, thing, w/e here) does not exist.

Are you getting the point? Good. Now I can elaborate. I used to think I want this perfect life, that all was going to set in place and that was that I would live happily ever after.

Happily Ever After also does not exist. (oops didn't care enough forgot to add that to the list). There are no "prince charming"s. So no I will not sit around waiting for my knight in shining armor to show up, Never have, Never will.

Everyone has their flaws, and I'm the type of person who quickly overlooks those flaws, but I seem to get trampled on because of that. People have told me that that's a good thing to do and its rare to find a person who does that. I do admit (I'd be a damn hypocrite if I don't say) I have a very short term judging, as in I may judge someone by the way they look. I have it happen to me all the time because of my weight (I'm 5ft and carrying extra weight, duh its gonna make me look heavier than I am.) and because of my height and probably for more but what ever. Back to the point. Yes I'll judge, but I wont use it against you. I try my best to get to know a person for whom they are rather than how they look, Like I said NO ONE is perfect.

I give up on friends. Forget them. All they cause is drama. I don't need anyone of them. I feel unimportant to everyone anyways. You call me your friend, yet you call when you want something. You call when you need a shoulder to lean on. You call when you want/need someone to hang out with. You call when you think you have to.. That's not a friendship. A friendship has no secrets, at least thats what I thought.. then come to find out a friendship is 90% truth, 10% secrecy. Who knew? I sure didn't. Wish I did. Oh well. How can you call a person your friend when you hide secrets from the other? I did my best to give the best advice I knew, I did my best to be a friend to the best of my abilities, and come to find out you were keeping secrets from me. Thank you for putting our friendship into perspective, because now exactly what I am to you: Nothing. That is not a friendship. I don't know what planet you grew up on, or where you learned that. I learned that you have to be honest, and trust, and have good communication. I have tried to be honest with all of my friends, but I know now.

Moving is inevitable. Orlando, MO, IL, or WI. I havent decided yet, but only have a short time to do decide. Sebring will be one family less in a few months. Then my family will be one(2) members short in that same time period. I feel that I will have the best opportunities in MO. I'm nervous about it all, but I have to do it.  I have to make the right choice because it doesnt just affect me anymore. It affects Ginger and I. Sebring is driving me crazy, Florida itself hasn't been good on me, or my family. Yes I'm willing to give up remaining friends here, because my true friends will remain in contact with me. I'm just so ready to leave already, and yes I'm being impatient.

I need a drink.. Oh that's right I'm 21.. I can have a drink and not have to hide it :)
Vodka and Cranberry anyone?
Vodka and Pineapple?
Rum 'n Coke?

Yum<3

I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and had a happy weekend/Mother's Day. Til my next blog folks and remember:

C'est La Vie

Ah.. So I'm officially 21.. as of May 2nd. I don't feel any different, maybe a little; such as I can now have a drink to relax and not worry about it being illegal or hiding it from my family. ;-)
So much is going to happen over the next couple of days/weeks. I'm so excited! I have an interview on Thursday for a company that I have so many opportunities with. I'll be able to move up in the company, travel the world, and help so many people be happy! Those are the best, but what else are the benefits!! I am praying everything goes well, and so far since I put in my application nothing but good things are happening.
I'm sure I'll post something after the interview. I've had since Monday to plan what I'm going to wear, and some of my answers along with do some research on the company; but I have personal experience with this company already so I just feel excited and not so nervous.

Well TTFN bloggers
<3 Moi

Easter Sunday

(\ /)
( . .)
c(”)(”)  Happy Easter!! Easter has been.. quiet.. completely quiet..
My family is in Disney.. and I'm at home. Just Ginger and I. My biological brother's mom (E) is in Orlando with her family and and my mom, dad, sister, and her boyfriend went up there.. I'm saving money, and appreciated the time I had alone at home.. at least for a few hours.. now I'm completely bored. I'm tired of watching movies/studying. And to top it off its a muggy day out. I'm hoping to be able to go up and *finally* meet them sometime later this week.

So I'm wishing ya'll a Happy Easter!! I hope the Easter bunny brought some good candy. lol.

In the midst of confusion:

I've found my peace and happiness.

Though I have felt like the past few weeks have taken a toll emotionally and physically... I can honestly say that I am happy the way things have worked themselves out.
At the time when I thought that "what could go wrong would" I am now able to  realize that it all needed to happen so that I was able to move on in my life and find true happiness.
Everyday is a learning process, and I thank God for every day he allows me to be on this earth. I have big plans for the next few months and major life changes are bound to happen soon..
There is a possible 1100 mi move, school, work, family, friends, and of course more personal growth. Notice there is no "love life" involved in that section. I'm not worried about it. Relationships just cause issues, and with how hectic things have been I truly have no time. I appreciate my friends for kickin' my butt into gear with a lot of things and helping me fight a depression that I was in denial of. When life felt like it was spiraling out of control, they were there for me. To help keep me sane and to help guide me. I have taken a lot of opinions, and advice over the past few weeks. After I let my anger, frustration, and hurt get the best of me I had my eyes opened to the truth of what has been going on, and finally am able to make decisions for me.
My birthday is coming up so fast... May 2nd.. I'll be 21 this year, and I was looking forward to it. Now I think I won't even have time for my birthday. I honestly have a feeling it will be reminiscent of the past few years... just me. I guess I'm going to get myself a bottle of vodka, or a bottle of wine, and celebrate. What's going to be interesting is to see the answers I come up with for my homework. ;)
I can't wait until all the work I've been doing finally pays off.. That we will see in a few months. It's going to be an interesting ride, but it's going to be fun. We only live once right? SO why just sit around waiting for life, go out & enjoy.
So to conclude:: In the midst of confusion, I've found my peace and happiness<3

C'est la vie

{>.<}

Study, Study, Study.. That's all I feel like I'm doing lately... Can't wait for it to be over so that way my brain can stop melting and leaking out of my ears....

Changes.

   Changes happen all the time, everywhere around us. This week I have had the most change I have had happen to me directly in a long time. I basically kicked 2 "friends" out of my life, and had others choose to walk out.

   The "friends" that I kicked out were holding me back. One that I have known for almost 3 years, and just was doing more harm in my life than good. I can honestly say that I'll miss him, but I have a hate for him that I have never felt before. I know its strange saying that you hate/will miss someone, but thats just the feelings I have. He would tell me things, that now I know were all lies. I learned so much about him, and should have let him go a long time ago. I know that down the road I will get over the hate/miss about him. I am praying that I don't hear from him ever again. I made sure he knew that I wanted nothing to do with him, but he has never respected that in the past.

   The 2nd friend that I kicked out, was just over controlling and obsessive. I couldn't take it anymore. I just got fed up and deleted/blocked him on FB, and said goodbye. Everything was ok, until he and I broke up the last time, and everything just went south. But I am happy that chapter has closed, and I wish him the best and I hope he finds someone who will deal with what he provides.
   The friend whom walked out.. Now this is a tricky one.. I can honestly say I have no clue why. She and I have been friends for 6 years, and yea of course we had our ups and downs, but as far as I knew we were good. Then one day I sign on to FB and go to say hey to her, and she is no longer a friend of mine, the next day I'm blocked. Um.Ok. It was really strange to me, because the night before (If I remember correctly) she called me at 1 am to tell me that it just took her a 1/2 hour to kill a spider. No where in our conversation was there any fighting or disagreements. Maybe I missed something. Who knows... I don't because she no longer speaks to me. Anyways.. This is what she chose, so be it. 

   So I'm accepting change, as best as I can. I have never been accepting to major change in my life. Heck cutting my hair causes some form of anxiety. When it comes to major changes such as "gaining/losing" friends, frustrates me. I accept that type of change better when I know the truth and the whole truth, without that I remain frustrated. I'm working on learning to let go and move on, which is hard, but day by day I  learn. About the current losing friends situation, I'm bettering my life with or without certain people in my life.You win some you lose some. 

C'est la vie

no subject.

Anyone else want to leave? Pack your bags and get out of my life. I can't take anymore.

Emotions Run High

My brain/heart/gut are all confused, sometimes I wish I could just tear them all out and get rid of them(Bon fire anyone.?.). Too many thoughts, not enough hours in the day to deal with it all.. Most the time lately I feel like its all a waste of time to deal with it all. I just want to be done with everything and start fresh. Literally. I want to throw everything that I have accumulated over the past 20+ years and throw it all in a bag, and be done.I want to move to a place where no one knows me, and I can be whoever I want. 

Lately I have to feel like I have to watch what I say, or do, or w/e. Just because I don't know who I'm bound to piss off. Its just complete bull shit. I'm so done trying to pretend. Trying to hide tears and depression and sadness all behind a smile. People ask me if I'm ok or if somethings changed. All I have to say is live a day in my body with my thoughts and then you may be able to understand. 

Trying to get through everything has just made me sick. Nausea, headaches, dizziness=not a happy Katie =[. Then on top of that the stupid emotions lately. Little things are making me want to break into tears. Its so stupid and ridiculous lately!!

Thats all for now

<3 K

Cold Hearted Bitch=ME

I have officially taken the Cold Hearted Bitch trophy here tonight. If you look up CHB in the dictionary-- My name and pic will be there. Why?? Because I have hurt the guy that I care about for the 2nd time now. NO I didn't cheat on him. NO I didn't lie to him. I hurt him in the fact that I broke his heart. He loved me, cared about me. But I felt no "connection". The spark wasn't there. I thought I did, I thought I had that spark with him. Until I stayed the night with him, and all feelings of lovey dovey went out the window. He is a dear friend of mine, and for this to happen... actually I don't feel anything. Yea I feel like a CHB (Cold Hearted Bitch) right now because I'm on the phone with him and he is crying saying things such as "I put my heart and soul into you. You said you wouldn't do this to me again." Oh and his current saying "I tested you today, asking where you see yourself in 5 years and you didn't even think of fucking including me in it". I felt forced into this relationship.. I rushed into it because it was just after Valentine's Day, and I was alone. I just couldn't take anymore. I strongly believe that he is/will not be the one for me. Someday long time from now I will find the one for me. These were my last words to him before he hung up "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."

Screwed & Screwed Again

I miss my ex VN. I met him when he came to my families home and switched our washing machine. Cute Huh. He was so sweet, and so cute, and thought I was beautiful (even in my pj's with no makeup and my hair a mess). I gave him my number before he left, and we talked constantly. Then again, this is a guy who hurt me.. who broke my heart into a million pieces, and I still missed him, and wanted him back. I see his picture, and think of the good times. Yea he lied to me, and told me he was single, and had 1 kid.. then 2.. then I find out he's married with a 3rd on the way. Then I got a message from (my now friend) CB.

MESSAGE BELOW:

"Me 2 i wished i had never met VN. Hes a lieing,cheating player. Heres the truth bout me, ( cause he will never tell u the truth) i met him on a website called ******.com back n 2/**. We have been off & on durin this time til i had enough of the lies. 11/3 - 12/14 i had not called or text him. Trying 2 4 get bout him. But on 12/14 he climbed over the gate @ my place 2 tell me he had been thinkin bout me & wanted 2 come c me. & like a fool i let him back n my life (& of course we had sex) he has lied 2 me bout so many things. His daughter M. He told me that she was his wife's biological child. Not his. y would someone lie bout their child not being theres? & he would tell me that i was his girl & i would say ur my man. Huh more lies! 2 days ago he said that he didnt want me 2 sleep with anyone else, i told him not 2 sleep with anyone also. Then i find out bout u. Another lie! Honestly i dont think he knows how 2 tell the truth. We had sex 12/21 & its the last time ever!! I hate what he did"

Then CB and I started hanging out before I confronted him.. I wanted the full story. In my heart I thought I loved him, and I wanted to believe him. My head told me differently. He knew I had this message from CB, but he asked me to not contact her, and just let him handle it. I couldn't there was something, whether it be my gut, or my head taking over, I needed to know what was going on. There were too many specifics, that reminded me of VN and I. One night I texted him, saying that I needed to talk to him.When he called me, I wouldn't answer, I didn't know how to answer. I'd say after about, if I remember correctly.. 13-15 times of him calling I answered. I tried to stay calm, and keep my voice from shaking, and to keep from bursting into tears. After a few words of regularity, how are you, yada yada yada.. CB and I got into it. We were on the phone for 3 hours wanting answers. We never really got any answers, he just said that he was trying to figure out how to end it all. He hurt us. Badly. Everything after that was fuzzy. I just remember missing him, and trying to make sense of it all.
I got a message from him in April:::
MESSAGE BELOW:

"863*******, i am still off monday and tuesdays.......... if u want to talk one on one just let me know and we can find a place to be alone so we can talk... thins with the wifey ended along time ago, she still living in ny an there is no chance of getting back together.... i been just working and i didnt find god but i did find myself and i feel good...i am still living with my sister all i do is go to work and stay home, i dont even go out anymore.. i miss u...."

I texted him, and ended up talking to him, and meeting up with him. I got sucked back in I guess. I felt like I got close to him again, and I thought he changed. I thought my heart wouldn't get sucked back in, but it did. I thought If I'd just kept my heart out of it, and just deal with my head figuring everything out.. Didn't work. Then after a while of hanging out with him, and thinking we were on the right track, he brought up potentially moving in together. Then not too long after that he told me that he wanted to try dating this girl that worked with him, CN. My heart broke, once again.
Why do I miss him. I have no clue. If anyone can come up with a logical explanation. I'd be happy to listen. Tonight just seemed really hard, I feel like I constantly thought of him. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but I'm not sure. I felt like I was so close to him, and yet everytime we got too close, everything got ruined. Everyday i pray that he calls, and doesn't call. Like I said in previous posts, my heart is so confused. Now you see why. I think I miss the theory of him.
I hate this feeling, it needs to jump off a cliff and be eaten by coyotes!!!
<3 Katie

Tattoo Ideas..?

I love this one, if it didn't have the leaves on the outside of it. These 2 pics are the type of hears that I love so much. I'm not sure where, but somewhere. I have wanted 2 shaded hearts behind my right ear since before I turned 18. So I can put this on my shoulder blade or the pic below I was thinking about behind my ear instead of the 2 shaded hearts. Indecision+No Money=No tattoo, yet. What do ya'll think?

~A Little Bit of Everything~

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't had anything to really talk about. Nothing has changed in my life, not to an extreme. I'm still working on losing weight. Still living at home. Still looking for a job. So I didn't want to bug people with boring info, or ramblings. But I wanted to post some things to get them out and off of my chest.

 You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same
Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me 

~~F*ckin' Perfect-Pink~~

I posted some lyrics to a song that I am loving right now. Out of the whole song these were the lyrics that hit the closest to home. And actually made me think about what I've put myself through. I have been in this rut Grand Canyon for too long. And I started listening to this song, and it hits close to home. I have felt meaningless, a worthless piece of human life. I have family and a few close friends who tell me other wise. But I'm not sure there is anyone whom I know who understands what I mean. My close friends are just that close. I love them like I love my family. I consider them my family. There are times that I dont talk to a few of them for a few days, and there is one, whom is an ex of mine, whom I talk to everyday. 

About the ex: He and I are so close. We know basically everything about each other. I broke up with him out of fear.  Fear of finding love, fear of being loved, and the fear of maybe being happy. I haven't admitted it to myself until this very minute. I have been thinking about why I broke up with him. Yes there are a few things about him that I'm not a fan of, but there are more good than bad. I'm not planning on saying anything to him, because I don't want him to get his hopes up that we're going to get back together. I talk to him about everything from doing my nails to "Aunt Flo" to the end of the world. I think its the whole "I love him, but I'm not in-love with him" thing. I'm truly confused about my feelings. I don't/do want a relationship--That's how bad I'm confused I'm not sure if i even want or don't want a relationship. He is an incredible guy, his ex-wife really did him wrong, and treated him like crap, and he didn't deserve that. I'm not sure what will happen, so we'll just have to hold on and wait and see.

My family has been stressed lately, and stressed is a nice word. Its more like we had a nuclear reactor in the living room, and if anyone says the wrong thing it'd blow up. My sister's boyfriend is living with us, and really show's me how I'm like. I used to not put my dishes in the sink when I was done, forget to take out the trash on trash days, not really help out around the house, and stay up extremely late (I still do =[). I have been trying to help out more, making dinner a couple times a week, or whenever asked. Dishes, when I see they need to get done, keeping my room clean(I have gotten in the mode where I can't sleep unless its clean), and just being more adult about it. I'm 20 years old and I'm happy that's finally kicked in. He really annoys me when he does the crap he does. It's like you have to follow behind him and clean up after him, or he has to be told what to do. I was never like that. I just am not sure how my sister can put up with that, but she's a very controlling person, and he needs that control. She doesn't have any fear in telling him what to do, and he doesn't seem to mind. Money is a big stressor, family health issues, who is staying up how late, and what time the tv goes off, who goes where and who has appointments on which dates. There are 5 people and a dog living in this house, 4 people who have busy schedules that need to be arranged. My dad is the one taking the brunt of the scheduling. If I need to schedule something, I ask him when would be the best time (mon-tues-wed). It's hectic.

My sleeping schedule is CRAZY!! I stay up so late, and can't get up early. Even if I go to bed at a decent hour (before 2:30 am) I still don't get up til around 11 or 12. I'm thinking of just sleeping through 1 day, and being up at say 8 am, and going to bed from exhaustion the following night.. I'm not sure how that would work.. And I sure as heck know my family & Ginger wouldn't appreciate it. Not only is my sleeping schedule all wacked out, but so is Gingers. I've changed it so much, I'm surprised she can sleep at all. Poor dog :(. 

With all this talk/shows/theories about the end of the world "2012". Seriously got me thinking about my life and what I have don't have. All the things I thought I had accomplished, but turns out I haven't done anything. 

Most All of my friends have at least some or most of their schooling done. I have yet to start. I know what I want to do, but due to a lack of funds, has a tendency to put a damper on that. I would love to go into the radiography program and become an ultrasound tech, then go back to school and become either an anesthesiologist or a therapist. We'll see.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I think that if the world is really ending in 2012 wouldn't I want to be with someone and go with them? And then that brings up the next topic.. kids... A lot of people I know are having kids, and I think to my self.. if 2012 brings the end of the world.. wouldn't I want a kid, just to experience motherhood? Then I think.. I don't want to get into a relationship/marriage, just out of thinking the worlds going to end and I dont want to bring a child into it because if the world was going to end. I wouldn't want to have my child go through the pain of dying because the world had ended. I have Ginger, and I would already have to endure potentially losing her. That would be difficult enough. 

I just have all these emotions, fears, thoughts, ideas that keep running through my head, and for just 24 hours I would love for all of them to stop so I can just relax and not have to think. I pray that the Myan's just got lazy and ended their calendar at 2012. Right now all I can do is leave it to God, and pray everything works out. I honestly can say that I can't wait for Jan. 1. 2013. 

Zodiac Changes?!

Ok so this whole "changing Zodiac signs" is bologna!!! There are only 12 months in a year, and now they're trying to add a 13th Zodiac sign?! Am I the only one thinking someones been smoking something other than cigarettes?! For real. Yes I get that the earths axis' change, and yes I get that change happens, but when they're trying to completely shift the way that the Zodiac's are, is preposterous. At least to me it is. I was born a Taurus and will remain a Taurus until I die. But with this new change Its saying I am now an Aries...

Aries - The Ram--Aries people are creative, adaptive, and insightful. They can also be strong-willed and spontaneous (sometimes to a fault). Aries people can be driven and are very ambitious often making them over-achievers in anything they set their mind to tackle. Aries are fire signs, and so too is their personality. They may be quick to anger, but don’t take it personally, it’s just their fiery, passionate personalities showing through. Aries signs have excellent sense of humor, and they get along with almost everyone at the party (and they DO know how to party). Aries can be impatient, but we love them anyway because they are devoted friends, lovers and family members – they are loyal to then end and will fight for their causes (usually supporting the underdog).

Does that really sound like my personality?? Yea a little.. But I have always been a Taurus, and I say it fits me better:

 Taurus - The Bull
Taurus zodiac signs and meanings, like the animal that represents them, is all about strength, stamina and will. Stubborn by nature, the Taurus will stand his/her ground to the bitter end (sometimes even irrationally so). But that’s okay because the Taurus is also a loving, sympathetic and appreciative sign. The Taurus is very understanding and when we need someone to unburden ourselves to, we often share our deepest fears with the Taurians of the zodiac. Taurians are very patient, practical and efficient, they are excellent in matters of business and are also wonderful instructors/teachers. Although initially they may have their own best interest at heart, they are ultimately & endlessly generous with their time, possessions and love. 

Which would ya'll suggest fits my personality better??

1/12/10

I can't believe we are practically 2 weeks into the new year! How it has flown!! Same crap different day.. =/ The past few days have been HORRIBLE.. Family issues mainly.

After the gaining 2 pounds I broke into tears. Then I weighed myself today and I lost 4!!! I'm so excited!! I need to take the batteries out of the scale or else I'm going to want to weigh myself everyday and I can't put myself through that. So we'll see how its going. I've been working out at least once a day (treadmill, stretches, and some upper body strengthening). Today, however, was a day where I didn't get on the treadmill, at least so far. I walked to the bank, then walked around the stores, then came home(about a mile total). Then earlier I took another walk. This time I took my pup ginger with me, we walked all around the neighborhood (about 2 miles). So I think I'm good on the exercise today. I made up for last night too. I wasn't able to get on the treadmill, but at least I did my upper body strengthening!

I would write about my family issues, but currently I'm not sure how to put it into the right words.. That whole situation is making my mind dizzy. So for now.. I'll leave it at that.

TTFN Fellow Bloggers =]

After So Much Work...

This past week I have been watching what I'm eating, and working my butt off.... surprise surprise I GAINED 2 pounds!!!

My family has told me "its muscle", but its still feels like a crushing blow!! I'm so frustrated, and so angry with my body!! 

Well thats all for now..

TTFN.

Weight Loss-The Beginning

I have been putting off losing the weight I've gained since I moved to FL for years. And this year I am turning 21 and I want to look the best I can. I am really looking forward to going out and having fun! It is January. My birthday is May 2nd. I would love to lose aprox 30 lbs before my birthday, that would be awesome. Currently I weigh 210lbs so losing 30lbs would bring me to 280. 

Ugh I didn't know it would be so hard saying how much I weigh out loud... I guess thats a sure sign that I'm not happy with my body. When I actually typed out how much I weigh, I think my stomach jumped into my throat...=/.

I started working out 2 days ago now? I think. Its really hard to stay motivated. In my household I am currently the only one working to lose weight. There are 5 people in my house including myself. My family is not a fan of eating healthy, just because of how expensive it is. Something we have done is we use turkey meat instead of ground beef. We use the turkey meat for everything you would normally eat ground beef with. Meatloaf, Spaghetti, Burgers. Other than that, We don't keep very many healthy foods in the house. 

I think its hard because I don't have anyone to support me. I'm afraid of the scale at the moment. I would love to see like 5lbs gone by next week, but I know that would be difficult. I will def keep my fingers crossed though. 

Oh I just thought... I'd love to lose the weight by APRIL because I have some people coming down from WI. Its my 1/2 brothers mom Eileene her husband and her kids. I have never met them EVER in my life, and I'm so excited and nervous. I want to look good!! They're coming down to go to Disney, and we're going up there to meet and spend time with them, and get to know them.

I guess my weight loss journey will be the topic of some of my blogs and also including more about my life and everyday stuff. 

Got to run!! TTFN<3

Nightmares =[

It feels like every once in a blue moon I will have an amazing nights sleep. Since Christmas I have not had 1 peaceful nights sleep. I have been having so many dreams and nightmares. 

The dreams will be good, but the dreams involve a person who I will never be with. So why do they taunt me. Its not fair, Its not right. On those days that I have those dreams, that same person calls to check on me. I am keeping one dirty (not so little) secret. So obviously he wants to make sure I'm not going to say anything. I like hearing from him, but it still kinda hurts. Last night (1/4/10) I had a dream I was being held hostage, and I was pregnant. I gave birth to twins, and I remember their names. It was a really strange dream, and yet it felt so real.
Nightmares are just that.. nightmares. Some of the ones I've been having are someone I know/knew murdered my family then threatened me, over money. Then an example of the other one I had was someone pushed me over the balcony of a cruise ship, and I got eaten by sharks. Another (that involved sharks) was my family and I were eating at a restaurant, and in the middle of the restaurant there was a shark tank, on the top of the shark tank were tables where people could sit. Someone convinced me to sit up there, and I ended up fighting the sharks, and they could talk for some strange reason. There was one where this guy I knew from school robbed a bank and got away with a couple million dollars. The bag broke on the side of my house and my family and I went out there because our garage was on fire. We found the money(at the time we didn't know who did the robbery), and decided to keep it and not tell anyone about it. Well not too long after the guy came back, made friends with me and my family, and told us that he did the robbery and if I didn't give him the money he'd slit my mothers throat and stab my dad. My parents told me not to give him the money, so I listened. My sister and I were being held down, and they did just as they threatened. I don't remember how it ended. That one felt so real, and I was so thankful when I woke up that it wasn't true.
I really don't know whats going on in my subconscious lately, but whatever it is, needs to be figured out. Other than the dreams/nightmares, I toss and turn all night every night and cannot find a comfy spot. When I finally get a bit of sleep its time to get up. It feels good to get the dreams out of my mind, maybe that's all I needed.?.

Babies Oye Vey

Crazy Thoughts are what I should call these. Almost everyone I know is having kids. Its really surprising. It feels like everyday I find out someone else I knew from school is having a kid. It makes me want to have one. Then as I step away and think clearly, having a child would not be the best option in my life currently. I dont have a job, I live at my parents, and I'm not dating nor serious with anyone. I have Ginger. She's enough for me. Kids are much more work than a dog, and right now I'm perfectly happy with Ginger. I swear she acts like a kid a lot of the times, but she loves me, and that's whats important. Someday I'd love to have my own family, but currently, it shouldn't be a thought in my head. I know I'm not the only one having that idea, just maybe the only one putting it out there. 

Well got to run. TTFN<3

Welcome 2011!!

~2010 is gone, and 2011 is here. All I can say is Thank Goodness!!I'm happy I'm getting a fresh start, and I'm going to put 2011 to good use!!

~In 2010, I lost friends with stupid decisions, and I had to lose them to realize that I'd lost true friends. Ones who always stood by me even though they weren't next to me. I realized that they were looking out for me, and wanting what was best for me. I was blind, and chose not to listen, and just brush it off as it was nothing. I am currently happy to say that I have seen those mistakes and won't make them again! I love ya'll =]

~Family in 2010-My family was extended in 2010. I have a biological father, Scot, who has never been there for me in my life. I've known about him all my life, but you'll soon realize why I have to put this reference in. My Dad(step but you'll see why I call him my dad in a sec), John, he has been there through everything in my life. Bumps, bruises, happiness, sadness, heartbreak, and crushes. He is my father. He has been through every step in my life since I was still on milk and formula. I found out this year right around the time of my 20th birthday, from Scot, I have an older brother Josh, an older sister Alicia, and 3 younger brothers, Branden, Connor, Ryan. I'm not really getting to know any of them at this time. Maybe in the future God will allow us all to get to know one another. With this new family info I got to know my aunts and find out about extended family! They are awesome and I can't wait to get to WI to get to know and see everybody!

~Love Life-2010, as 2009 did brought heartbreak a few times, from the same guy. Ugh. I was blinded, and I do not want that to happen again. Yes sadly I still cared for this guy even after everything, but he doesnt/didnt feel the same, never did, never will. I dont know if he's actually capable of love, or true caring feelings. He always said things, then turned around and crushed me. I can't handle that anymore. I had too many tears cried for him. I ended up finding a guy I cared a lot about a few months back, but my ex came back and plus emotional/personal problems all destroyed it. I finally resolved everything, and determined that he wasn't the right one for me- there were too many differences between him and I. I'm just taking things as they come, and not worrying about finding love right now. I need to focus on getting my life together before I involve someone else.

~So my resolutions for 2011 are to just be me, and focus on getting my life together and live life for me(and Ginger). No one else can live my life. Only I can. I want to get out of this rut that I've been in, and start living instead of just surviving! I have goals of being/getting healthy. I am choosing to get rid of aggravating/annoying/drama causing people, so if I stop talking to you, you now know why! I think I've covered everything. If I think of anything else I'll post it later!! Well I've got to run!! TTFN<3