Tattoo Ideas..?

I love this one, if it didn't have the leaves on the outside of it. These 2 pics are the type of hears that I love so much. I'm not sure where, but somewhere. I have wanted 2 shaded hearts behind my right ear since before I turned 18. So I can put this on my shoulder blade or the pic below I was thinking about behind my ear instead of the 2 shaded hearts. Indecision+No Money=No tattoo, yet. What do ya'll think?

~A Little Bit of Everything~

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't had anything to really talk about. Nothing has changed in my life, not to an extreme. I'm still working on losing weight. Still living at home. Still looking for a job. So I didn't want to bug people with boring info, or ramblings. But I wanted to post some things to get them out and off of my chest.

 You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same
Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me 

~~F*ckin' Perfect-Pink~~

I posted some lyrics to a song that I am loving right now. Out of the whole song these were the lyrics that hit the closest to home. And actually made me think about what I've put myself through. I have been in this rut Grand Canyon for too long. And I started listening to this song, and it hits close to home. I have felt meaningless, a worthless piece of human life. I have family and a few close friends who tell me other wise. But I'm not sure there is anyone whom I know who understands what I mean. My close friends are just that close. I love them like I love my family. I consider them my family. There are times that I dont talk to a few of them for a few days, and there is one, whom is an ex of mine, whom I talk to everyday. 

About the ex: He and I are so close. We know basically everything about each other. I broke up with him out of fear.  Fear of finding love, fear of being loved, and the fear of maybe being happy. I haven't admitted it to myself until this very minute. I have been thinking about why I broke up with him. Yes there are a few things about him that I'm not a fan of, but there are more good than bad. I'm not planning on saying anything to him, because I don't want him to get his hopes up that we're going to get back together. I talk to him about everything from doing my nails to "Aunt Flo" to the end of the world. I think its the whole "I love him, but I'm not in-love with him" thing. I'm truly confused about my feelings. I don't/do want a relationship--That's how bad I'm confused I'm not sure if i even want or don't want a relationship. He is an incredible guy, his ex-wife really did him wrong, and treated him like crap, and he didn't deserve that. I'm not sure what will happen, so we'll just have to hold on and wait and see.

My family has been stressed lately, and stressed is a nice word. Its more like we had a nuclear reactor in the living room, and if anyone says the wrong thing it'd blow up. My sister's boyfriend is living with us, and really show's me how I'm like. I used to not put my dishes in the sink when I was done, forget to take out the trash on trash days, not really help out around the house, and stay up extremely late (I still do =[). I have been trying to help out more, making dinner a couple times a week, or whenever asked. Dishes, when I see they need to get done, keeping my room clean(I have gotten in the mode where I can't sleep unless its clean), and just being more adult about it. I'm 20 years old and I'm happy that's finally kicked in. He really annoys me when he does the crap he does. It's like you have to follow behind him and clean up after him, or he has to be told what to do. I was never like that. I just am not sure how my sister can put up with that, but she's a very controlling person, and he needs that control. She doesn't have any fear in telling him what to do, and he doesn't seem to mind. Money is a big stressor, family health issues, who is staying up how late, and what time the tv goes off, who goes where and who has appointments on which dates. There are 5 people and a dog living in this house, 4 people who have busy schedules that need to be arranged. My dad is the one taking the brunt of the scheduling. If I need to schedule something, I ask him when would be the best time (mon-tues-wed). It's hectic.

My sleeping schedule is CRAZY!! I stay up so late, and can't get up early. Even if I go to bed at a decent hour (before 2:30 am) I still don't get up til around 11 or 12. I'm thinking of just sleeping through 1 day, and being up at say 8 am, and going to bed from exhaustion the following night.. I'm not sure how that would work.. And I sure as heck know my family & Ginger wouldn't appreciate it. Not only is my sleeping schedule all wacked out, but so is Gingers. I've changed it so much, I'm surprised she can sleep at all. Poor dog :(. 

With all this talk/shows/theories about the end of the world "2012". Seriously got me thinking about my life and what I have don't have. All the things I thought I had accomplished, but turns out I haven't done anything. 

Most All of my friends have at least some or most of their schooling done. I have yet to start. I know what I want to do, but due to a lack of funds, has a tendency to put a damper on that. I would love to go into the radiography program and become an ultrasound tech, then go back to school and become either an anesthesiologist or a therapist. We'll see.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I think that if the world is really ending in 2012 wouldn't I want to be with someone and go with them? And then that brings up the next topic.. kids... A lot of people I know are having kids, and I think to my self.. if 2012 brings the end of the world.. wouldn't I want a kid, just to experience motherhood? Then I think.. I don't want to get into a relationship/marriage, just out of thinking the worlds going to end and I dont want to bring a child into it because if the world was going to end. I wouldn't want to have my child go through the pain of dying because the world had ended. I have Ginger, and I would already have to endure potentially losing her. That would be difficult enough. 

I just have all these emotions, fears, thoughts, ideas that keep running through my head, and for just 24 hours I would love for all of them to stop so I can just relax and not have to think. I pray that the Myan's just got lazy and ended their calendar at 2012. Right now all I can do is leave it to God, and pray everything works out. I honestly can say that I can't wait for Jan. 1. 2013. 

Zodiac Changes?!

Ok so this whole "changing Zodiac signs" is bologna!!! There are only 12 months in a year, and now they're trying to add a 13th Zodiac sign?! Am I the only one thinking someones been smoking something other than cigarettes?! For real. Yes I get that the earths axis' change, and yes I get that change happens, but when they're trying to completely shift the way that the Zodiac's are, is preposterous. At least to me it is. I was born a Taurus and will remain a Taurus until I die. But with this new change Its saying I am now an Aries...

Aries - The Ram--Aries people are creative, adaptive, and insightful. They can also be strong-willed and spontaneous (sometimes to a fault). Aries people can be driven and are very ambitious often making them over-achievers in anything they set their mind to tackle. Aries are fire signs, and so too is their personality. They may be quick to anger, but don’t take it personally, it’s just their fiery, passionate personalities showing through. Aries signs have excellent sense of humor, and they get along with almost everyone at the party (and they DO know how to party). Aries can be impatient, but we love them anyway because they are devoted friends, lovers and family members – they are loyal to then end and will fight for their causes (usually supporting the underdog).

Does that really sound like my personality?? Yea a little.. But I have always been a Taurus, and I say it fits me better:

 Taurus - The Bull
Taurus zodiac signs and meanings, like the animal that represents them, is all about strength, stamina and will. Stubborn by nature, the Taurus will stand his/her ground to the bitter end (sometimes even irrationally so). But that’s okay because the Taurus is also a loving, sympathetic and appreciative sign. The Taurus is very understanding and when we need someone to unburden ourselves to, we often share our deepest fears with the Taurians of the zodiac. Taurians are very patient, practical and efficient, they are excellent in matters of business and are also wonderful instructors/teachers. Although initially they may have their own best interest at heart, they are ultimately & endlessly generous with their time, possessions and love. 

Which would ya'll suggest fits my personality better??

1/12/10

I can't believe we are practically 2 weeks into the new year! How it has flown!! Same crap different day.. =/ The past few days have been HORRIBLE.. Family issues mainly.

After the gaining 2 pounds I broke into tears. Then I weighed myself today and I lost 4!!! I'm so excited!! I need to take the batteries out of the scale or else I'm going to want to weigh myself everyday and I can't put myself through that. So we'll see how its going. I've been working out at least once a day (treadmill, stretches, and some upper body strengthening). Today, however, was a day where I didn't get on the treadmill, at least so far. I walked to the bank, then walked around the stores, then came home(about a mile total). Then earlier I took another walk. This time I took my pup ginger with me, we walked all around the neighborhood (about 2 miles). So I think I'm good on the exercise today. I made up for last night too. I wasn't able to get on the treadmill, but at least I did my upper body strengthening!

I would write about my family issues, but currently I'm not sure how to put it into the right words.. That whole situation is making my mind dizzy. So for now.. I'll leave it at that.

TTFN Fellow Bloggers =]

After So Much Work...

This past week I have been watching what I'm eating, and working my butt off.... surprise surprise I GAINED 2 pounds!!!

My family has told me "its muscle", but its still feels like a crushing blow!! I'm so frustrated, and so angry with my body!! 

Well thats all for now..

TTFN.

Weight Loss-The Beginning

I have been putting off losing the weight I've gained since I moved to FL for years. And this year I am turning 21 and I want to look the best I can. I am really looking forward to going out and having fun! It is January. My birthday is May 2nd. I would love to lose aprox 30 lbs before my birthday, that would be awesome. Currently I weigh 210lbs so losing 30lbs would bring me to 280. 

Ugh I didn't know it would be so hard saying how much I weigh out loud... I guess thats a sure sign that I'm not happy with my body. When I actually typed out how much I weigh, I think my stomach jumped into my throat...=/.

I started working out 2 days ago now? I think. Its really hard to stay motivated. In my household I am currently the only one working to lose weight. There are 5 people in my house including myself. My family is not a fan of eating healthy, just because of how expensive it is. Something we have done is we use turkey meat instead of ground beef. We use the turkey meat for everything you would normally eat ground beef with. Meatloaf, Spaghetti, Burgers. Other than that, We don't keep very many healthy foods in the house. 

I think its hard because I don't have anyone to support me. I'm afraid of the scale at the moment. I would love to see like 5lbs gone by next week, but I know that would be difficult. I will def keep my fingers crossed though. 

Oh I just thought... I'd love to lose the weight by APRIL because I have some people coming down from WI. Its my 1/2 brothers mom Eileene her husband and her kids. I have never met them EVER in my life, and I'm so excited and nervous. I want to look good!! They're coming down to go to Disney, and we're going up there to meet and spend time with them, and get to know them.

I guess my weight loss journey will be the topic of some of my blogs and also including more about my life and everyday stuff. 

Got to run!! TTFN<3

Nightmares =[

It feels like every once in a blue moon I will have an amazing nights sleep. Since Christmas I have not had 1 peaceful nights sleep. I have been having so many dreams and nightmares. 

The dreams will be good, but the dreams involve a person who I will never be with. So why do they taunt me. Its not fair, Its not right. On those days that I have those dreams, that same person calls to check on me. I am keeping one dirty (not so little) secret. So obviously he wants to make sure I'm not going to say anything. I like hearing from him, but it still kinda hurts. Last night (1/4/10) I had a dream I was being held hostage, and I was pregnant. I gave birth to twins, and I remember their names. It was a really strange dream, and yet it felt so real.
Nightmares are just that.. nightmares. Some of the ones I've been having are someone I know/knew murdered my family then threatened me, over money. Then an example of the other one I had was someone pushed me over the balcony of a cruise ship, and I got eaten by sharks. Another (that involved sharks) was my family and I were eating at a restaurant, and in the middle of the restaurant there was a shark tank, on the top of the shark tank were tables where people could sit. Someone convinced me to sit up there, and I ended up fighting the sharks, and they could talk for some strange reason. There was one where this guy I knew from school robbed a bank and got away with a couple million dollars. The bag broke on the side of my house and my family and I went out there because our garage was on fire. We found the money(at the time we didn't know who did the robbery), and decided to keep it and not tell anyone about it. Well not too long after the guy came back, made friends with me and my family, and told us that he did the robbery and if I didn't give him the money he'd slit my mothers throat and stab my dad. My parents told me not to give him the money, so I listened. My sister and I were being held down, and they did just as they threatened. I don't remember how it ended. That one felt so real, and I was so thankful when I woke up that it wasn't true.
I really don't know whats going on in my subconscious lately, but whatever it is, needs to be figured out. Other than the dreams/nightmares, I toss and turn all night every night and cannot find a comfy spot. When I finally get a bit of sleep its time to get up. It feels good to get the dreams out of my mind, maybe that's all I needed.?.

Babies Oye Vey

Crazy Thoughts are what I should call these. Almost everyone I know is having kids. Its really surprising. It feels like everyday I find out someone else I knew from school is having a kid. It makes me want to have one. Then as I step away and think clearly, having a child would not be the best option in my life currently. I dont have a job, I live at my parents, and I'm not dating nor serious with anyone. I have Ginger. She's enough for me. Kids are much more work than a dog, and right now I'm perfectly happy with Ginger. I swear she acts like a kid a lot of the times, but she loves me, and that's whats important. Someday I'd love to have my own family, but currently, it shouldn't be a thought in my head. I know I'm not the only one having that idea, just maybe the only one putting it out there. 

Well got to run. TTFN<3

Welcome 2011!!

~2010 is gone, and 2011 is here. All I can say is Thank Goodness!!I'm happy I'm getting a fresh start, and I'm going to put 2011 to good use!!

~In 2010, I lost friends with stupid decisions, and I had to lose them to realize that I'd lost true friends. Ones who always stood by me even though they weren't next to me. I realized that they were looking out for me, and wanting what was best for me. I was blind, and chose not to listen, and just brush it off as it was nothing. I am currently happy to say that I have seen those mistakes and won't make them again! I love ya'll =]

~Family in 2010-My family was extended in 2010. I have a biological father, Scot, who has never been there for me in my life. I've known about him all my life, but you'll soon realize why I have to put this reference in. My Dad(step but you'll see why I call him my dad in a sec), John, he has been there through everything in my life. Bumps, bruises, happiness, sadness, heartbreak, and crushes. He is my father. He has been through every step in my life since I was still on milk and formula. I found out this year right around the time of my 20th birthday, from Scot, I have an older brother Josh, an older sister Alicia, and 3 younger brothers, Branden, Connor, Ryan. I'm not really getting to know any of them at this time. Maybe in the future God will allow us all to get to know one another. With this new family info I got to know my aunts and find out about extended family! They are awesome and I can't wait to get to WI to get to know and see everybody!

~Love Life-2010, as 2009 did brought heartbreak a few times, from the same guy. Ugh. I was blinded, and I do not want that to happen again. Yes sadly I still cared for this guy even after everything, but he doesnt/didnt feel the same, never did, never will. I dont know if he's actually capable of love, or true caring feelings. He always said things, then turned around and crushed me. I can't handle that anymore. I had too many tears cried for him. I ended up finding a guy I cared a lot about a few months back, but my ex came back and plus emotional/personal problems all destroyed it. I finally resolved everything, and determined that he wasn't the right one for me- there were too many differences between him and I. I'm just taking things as they come, and not worrying about finding love right now. I need to focus on getting my life together before I involve someone else.

~So my resolutions for 2011 are to just be me, and focus on getting my life together and live life for me(and Ginger). No one else can live my life. Only I can. I want to get out of this rut that I've been in, and start living instead of just surviving! I have goals of being/getting healthy. I am choosing to get rid of aggravating/annoying/drama causing people, so if I stop talking to you, you now know why! I think I've covered everything. If I think of anything else I'll post it later!! Well I've got to run!! TTFN<3