~A Little Bit of Everything~

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't had anything to really talk about. Nothing has changed in my life, not to an extreme. I'm still working on losing weight. Still living at home. Still looking for a job. So I didn't want to bug people with boring info, or ramblings. But I wanted to post some things to get them out and off of my chest.

 You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same
Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me 

~~F*ckin' Perfect-Pink~~

I posted some lyrics to a song that I am loving right now. Out of the whole song these were the lyrics that hit the closest to home. And actually made me think about what I've put myself through. I have been in this rut Grand Canyon for too long. And I started listening to this song, and it hits close to home. I have felt meaningless, a worthless piece of human life. I have family and a few close friends who tell me other wise. But I'm not sure there is anyone whom I know who understands what I mean. My close friends are just that close. I love them like I love my family. I consider them my family. There are times that I dont talk to a few of them for a few days, and there is one, whom is an ex of mine, whom I talk to everyday. 

About the ex: He and I are so close. We know basically everything about each other. I broke up with him out of fear.  Fear of finding love, fear of being loved, and the fear of maybe being happy. I haven't admitted it to myself until this very minute. I have been thinking about why I broke up with him. Yes there are a few things about him that I'm not a fan of, but there are more good than bad. I'm not planning on saying anything to him, because I don't want him to get his hopes up that we're going to get back together. I talk to him about everything from doing my nails to "Aunt Flo" to the end of the world. I think its the whole "I love him, but I'm not in-love with him" thing. I'm truly confused about my feelings. I don't/do want a relationship--That's how bad I'm confused I'm not sure if i even want or don't want a relationship. He is an incredible guy, his ex-wife really did him wrong, and treated him like crap, and he didn't deserve that. I'm not sure what will happen, so we'll just have to hold on and wait and see.

My family has been stressed lately, and stressed is a nice word. Its more like we had a nuclear reactor in the living room, and if anyone says the wrong thing it'd blow up. My sister's boyfriend is living with us, and really show's me how I'm like. I used to not put my dishes in the sink when I was done, forget to take out the trash on trash days, not really help out around the house, and stay up extremely late (I still do =[). I have been trying to help out more, making dinner a couple times a week, or whenever asked. Dishes, when I see they need to get done, keeping my room clean(I have gotten in the mode where I can't sleep unless its clean), and just being more adult about it. I'm 20 years old and I'm happy that's finally kicked in. He really annoys me when he does the crap he does. It's like you have to follow behind him and clean up after him, or he has to be told what to do. I was never like that. I just am not sure how my sister can put up with that, but she's a very controlling person, and he needs that control. She doesn't have any fear in telling him what to do, and he doesn't seem to mind. Money is a big stressor, family health issues, who is staying up how late, and what time the tv goes off, who goes where and who has appointments on which dates. There are 5 people and a dog living in this house, 4 people who have busy schedules that need to be arranged. My dad is the one taking the brunt of the scheduling. If I need to schedule something, I ask him when would be the best time (mon-tues-wed). It's hectic.

My sleeping schedule is CRAZY!! I stay up so late, and can't get up early. Even if I go to bed at a decent hour (before 2:30 am) I still don't get up til around 11 or 12. I'm thinking of just sleeping through 1 day, and being up at say 8 am, and going to bed from exhaustion the following night.. I'm not sure how that would work.. And I sure as heck know my family & Ginger wouldn't appreciate it. Not only is my sleeping schedule all wacked out, but so is Gingers. I've changed it so much, I'm surprised she can sleep at all. Poor dog :(. 

With all this talk/shows/theories about the end of the world "2012". Seriously got me thinking about my life and what I have don't have. All the things I thought I had accomplished, but turns out I haven't done anything. 

Most All of my friends have at least some or most of their schooling done. I have yet to start. I know what I want to do, but due to a lack of funds, has a tendency to put a damper on that. I would love to go into the radiography program and become an ultrasound tech, then go back to school and become either an anesthesiologist or a therapist. We'll see.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I think that if the world is really ending in 2012 wouldn't I want to be with someone and go with them? And then that brings up the next topic.. kids... A lot of people I know are having kids, and I think to my self.. if 2012 brings the end of the world.. wouldn't I want a kid, just to experience motherhood? Then I think.. I don't want to get into a relationship/marriage, just out of thinking the worlds going to end and I dont want to bring a child into it because if the world was going to end. I wouldn't want to have my child go through the pain of dying because the world had ended. I have Ginger, and I would already have to endure potentially losing her. That would be difficult enough. 

I just have all these emotions, fears, thoughts, ideas that keep running through my head, and for just 24 hours I would love for all of them to stop so I can just relax and not have to think. I pray that the Myan's just got lazy and ended their calendar at 2012. Right now all I can do is leave it to God, and pray everything works out. I honestly can say that I can't wait for Jan. 1. 2013.