Emotions Run High

My brain/heart/gut are all confused, sometimes I wish I could just tear them all out and get rid of them(Bon fire anyone.?.). Too many thoughts, not enough hours in the day to deal with it all.. Most the time lately I feel like its all a waste of time to deal with it all. I just want to be done with everything and start fresh. Literally. I want to throw everything that I have accumulated over the past 20+ years and throw it all in a bag, and be done.I want to move to a place where no one knows me, and I can be whoever I want. 

Lately I have to feel like I have to watch what I say, or do, or w/e. Just because I don't know who I'm bound to piss off. Its just complete bull shit. I'm so done trying to pretend. Trying to hide tears and depression and sadness all behind a smile. People ask me if I'm ok or if somethings changed. All I have to say is live a day in my body with my thoughts and then you may be able to understand. 

Trying to get through everything has just made me sick. Nausea, headaches, dizziness=not a happy Katie =[. Then on top of that the stupid emotions lately. Little things are making me want to break into tears. Its so stupid and ridiculous lately!!

Thats all for now

<3 K

Cold Hearted Bitch=ME

I have officially taken the Cold Hearted Bitch trophy here tonight. If you look up CHB in the dictionary-- My name and pic will be there. Why?? Because I have hurt the guy that I care about for the 2nd time now. NO I didn't cheat on him. NO I didn't lie to him. I hurt him in the fact that I broke his heart. He loved me, cared about me. But I felt no "connection". The spark wasn't there. I thought I did, I thought I had that spark with him. Until I stayed the night with him, and all feelings of lovey dovey went out the window. He is a dear friend of mine, and for this to happen... actually I don't feel anything. Yea I feel like a CHB (Cold Hearted Bitch) right now because I'm on the phone with him and he is crying saying things such as "I put my heart and soul into you. You said you wouldn't do this to me again." Oh and his current saying "I tested you today, asking where you see yourself in 5 years and you didn't even think of fucking including me in it". I felt forced into this relationship.. I rushed into it because it was just after Valentine's Day, and I was alone. I just couldn't take anymore. I strongly believe that he is/will not be the one for me. Someday long time from now I will find the one for me. These were my last words to him before he hung up "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."

Screwed & Screwed Again

I miss my ex VN. I met him when he came to my families home and switched our washing machine. Cute Huh. He was so sweet, and so cute, and thought I was beautiful (even in my pj's with no makeup and my hair a mess). I gave him my number before he left, and we talked constantly. Then again, this is a guy who hurt me.. who broke my heart into a million pieces, and I still missed him, and wanted him back. I see his picture, and think of the good times. Yea he lied to me, and told me he was single, and had 1 kid.. then 2.. then I find out he's married with a 3rd on the way. Then I got a message from (my now friend) CB.

MESSAGE BELOW:

"Me 2 i wished i had never met VN. Hes a lieing,cheating player. Heres the truth bout me, ( cause he will never tell u the truth) i met him on a website called ******.com back n 2/**. We have been off & on durin this time til i had enough of the lies. 11/3 - 12/14 i had not called or text him. Trying 2 4 get bout him. But on 12/14 he climbed over the gate @ my place 2 tell me he had been thinkin bout me & wanted 2 come c me. & like a fool i let him back n my life (& of course we had sex) he has lied 2 me bout so many things. His daughter M. He told me that she was his wife's biological child. Not his. y would someone lie bout their child not being theres? & he would tell me that i was his girl & i would say ur my man. Huh more lies! 2 days ago he said that he didnt want me 2 sleep with anyone else, i told him not 2 sleep with anyone also. Then i find out bout u. Another lie! Honestly i dont think he knows how 2 tell the truth. We had sex 12/21 & its the last time ever!! I hate what he did"

Then CB and I started hanging out before I confronted him.. I wanted the full story. In my heart I thought I loved him, and I wanted to believe him. My head told me differently. He knew I had this message from CB, but he asked me to not contact her, and just let him handle it. I couldn't there was something, whether it be my gut, or my head taking over, I needed to know what was going on. There were too many specifics, that reminded me of VN and I. One night I texted him, saying that I needed to talk to him.When he called me, I wouldn't answer, I didn't know how to answer. I'd say after about, if I remember correctly.. 13-15 times of him calling I answered. I tried to stay calm, and keep my voice from shaking, and to keep from bursting into tears. After a few words of regularity, how are you, yada yada yada.. CB and I got into it. We were on the phone for 3 hours wanting answers. We never really got any answers, he just said that he was trying to figure out how to end it all. He hurt us. Badly. Everything after that was fuzzy. I just remember missing him, and trying to make sense of it all.
I got a message from him in April:::
MESSAGE BELOW:

"863*******, i am still off monday and tuesdays.......... if u want to talk one on one just let me know and we can find a place to be alone so we can talk... thins with the wifey ended along time ago, she still living in ny an there is no chance of getting back together.... i been just working and i didnt find god but i did find myself and i feel good...i am still living with my sister all i do is go to work and stay home, i dont even go out anymore.. i miss u...."

I texted him, and ended up talking to him, and meeting up with him. I got sucked back in I guess. I felt like I got close to him again, and I thought he changed. I thought my heart wouldn't get sucked back in, but it did. I thought If I'd just kept my heart out of it, and just deal with my head figuring everything out.. Didn't work. Then after a while of hanging out with him, and thinking we were on the right track, he brought up potentially moving in together. Then not too long after that he told me that he wanted to try dating this girl that worked with him, CN. My heart broke, once again.
Why do I miss him. I have no clue. If anyone can come up with a logical explanation. I'd be happy to listen. Tonight just seemed really hard, I feel like I constantly thought of him. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but I'm not sure. I felt like I was so close to him, and yet everytime we got too close, everything got ruined. Everyday i pray that he calls, and doesn't call. Like I said in previous posts, my heart is so confused. Now you see why. I think I miss the theory of him.
I hate this feeling, it needs to jump off a cliff and be eaten by coyotes!!!
<3 Katie

Tattoo Ideas..?

I love this one, if it didn't have the leaves on the outside of it. These 2 pics are the type of hears that I love so much. I'm not sure where, but somewhere. I have wanted 2 shaded hearts behind my right ear since before I turned 18. So I can put this on my shoulder blade or the pic below I was thinking about behind my ear instead of the 2 shaded hearts. Indecision+No Money=No tattoo, yet. What do ya'll think?

~A Little Bit of Everything~

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't had anything to really talk about. Nothing has changed in my life, not to an extreme. I'm still working on losing weight. Still living at home. Still looking for a job. So I didn't want to bug people with boring info, or ramblings. But I wanted to post some things to get them out and off of my chest.

 You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same
Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me 

~~F*ckin' Perfect-Pink~~

I posted some lyrics to a song that I am loving right now. Out of the whole song these were the lyrics that hit the closest to home. And actually made me think about what I've put myself through. I have been in this rut Grand Canyon for too long. And I started listening to this song, and it hits close to home. I have felt meaningless, a worthless piece of human life. I have family and a few close friends who tell me other wise. But I'm not sure there is anyone whom I know who understands what I mean. My close friends are just that close. I love them like I love my family. I consider them my family. There are times that I dont talk to a few of them for a few days, and there is one, whom is an ex of mine, whom I talk to everyday. 

About the ex: He and I are so close. We know basically everything about each other. I broke up with him out of fear.  Fear of finding love, fear of being loved, and the fear of maybe being happy. I haven't admitted it to myself until this very minute. I have been thinking about why I broke up with him. Yes there are a few things about him that I'm not a fan of, but there are more good than bad. I'm not planning on saying anything to him, because I don't want him to get his hopes up that we're going to get back together. I talk to him about everything from doing my nails to "Aunt Flo" to the end of the world. I think its the whole "I love him, but I'm not in-love with him" thing. I'm truly confused about my feelings. I don't/do want a relationship--That's how bad I'm confused I'm not sure if i even want or don't want a relationship. He is an incredible guy, his ex-wife really did him wrong, and treated him like crap, and he didn't deserve that. I'm not sure what will happen, so we'll just have to hold on and wait and see.

My family has been stressed lately, and stressed is a nice word. Its more like we had a nuclear reactor in the living room, and if anyone says the wrong thing it'd blow up. My sister's boyfriend is living with us, and really show's me how I'm like. I used to not put my dishes in the sink when I was done, forget to take out the trash on trash days, not really help out around the house, and stay up extremely late (I still do =[). I have been trying to help out more, making dinner a couple times a week, or whenever asked. Dishes, when I see they need to get done, keeping my room clean(I have gotten in the mode where I can't sleep unless its clean), and just being more adult about it. I'm 20 years old and I'm happy that's finally kicked in. He really annoys me when he does the crap he does. It's like you have to follow behind him and clean up after him, or he has to be told what to do. I was never like that. I just am not sure how my sister can put up with that, but she's a very controlling person, and he needs that control. She doesn't have any fear in telling him what to do, and he doesn't seem to mind. Money is a big stressor, family health issues, who is staying up how late, and what time the tv goes off, who goes where and who has appointments on which dates. There are 5 people and a dog living in this house, 4 people who have busy schedules that need to be arranged. My dad is the one taking the brunt of the scheduling. If I need to schedule something, I ask him when would be the best time (mon-tues-wed). It's hectic.

My sleeping schedule is CRAZY!! I stay up so late, and can't get up early. Even if I go to bed at a decent hour (before 2:30 am) I still don't get up til around 11 or 12. I'm thinking of just sleeping through 1 day, and being up at say 8 am, and going to bed from exhaustion the following night.. I'm not sure how that would work.. And I sure as heck know my family & Ginger wouldn't appreciate it. Not only is my sleeping schedule all wacked out, but so is Gingers. I've changed it so much, I'm surprised she can sleep at all. Poor dog :(. 

With all this talk/shows/theories about the end of the world "2012". Seriously got me thinking about my life and what I have don't have. All the things I thought I had accomplished, but turns out I haven't done anything. 

Most All of my friends have at least some or most of their schooling done. I have yet to start. I know what I want to do, but due to a lack of funds, has a tendency to put a damper on that. I would love to go into the radiography program and become an ultrasound tech, then go back to school and become either an anesthesiologist or a therapist. We'll see.

Then there's the whole relationship thing. I think that if the world is really ending in 2012 wouldn't I want to be with someone and go with them? And then that brings up the next topic.. kids... A lot of people I know are having kids, and I think to my self.. if 2012 brings the end of the world.. wouldn't I want a kid, just to experience motherhood? Then I think.. I don't want to get into a relationship/marriage, just out of thinking the worlds going to end and I dont want to bring a child into it because if the world was going to end. I wouldn't want to have my child go through the pain of dying because the world had ended. I have Ginger, and I would already have to endure potentially losing her. That would be difficult enough. 

I just have all these emotions, fears, thoughts, ideas that keep running through my head, and for just 24 hours I would love for all of them to stop so I can just relax and not have to think. I pray that the Myan's just got lazy and ended their calendar at 2012. Right now all I can do is leave it to God, and pray everything works out. I honestly can say that I can't wait for Jan. 1. 2013. 

Zodiac Changes?!

Ok so this whole "changing Zodiac signs" is bologna!!! There are only 12 months in a year, and now they're trying to add a 13th Zodiac sign?! Am I the only one thinking someones been smoking something other than cigarettes?! For real. Yes I get that the earths axis' change, and yes I get that change happens, but when they're trying to completely shift the way that the Zodiac's are, is preposterous. At least to me it is. I was born a Taurus and will remain a Taurus until I die. But with this new change Its saying I am now an Aries...

Aries - The Ram--Aries people are creative, adaptive, and insightful. They can also be strong-willed and spontaneous (sometimes to a fault). Aries people can be driven and are very ambitious often making them over-achievers in anything they set their mind to tackle. Aries are fire signs, and so too is their personality. They may be quick to anger, but don’t take it personally, it’s just their fiery, passionate personalities showing through. Aries signs have excellent sense of humor, and they get along with almost everyone at the party (and they DO know how to party). Aries can be impatient, but we love them anyway because they are devoted friends, lovers and family members – they are loyal to then end and will fight for their causes (usually supporting the underdog).

Does that really sound like my personality?? Yea a little.. But I have always been a Taurus, and I say it fits me better:

 Taurus - The Bull
Taurus zodiac signs and meanings, like the animal that represents them, is all about strength, stamina and will. Stubborn by nature, the Taurus will stand his/her ground to the bitter end (sometimes even irrationally so). But that’s okay because the Taurus is also a loving, sympathetic and appreciative sign. The Taurus is very understanding and when we need someone to unburden ourselves to, we often share our deepest fears with the Taurians of the zodiac. Taurians are very patient, practical and efficient, they are excellent in matters of business and are also wonderful instructors/teachers. Although initially they may have their own best interest at heart, they are ultimately & endlessly generous with their time, possessions and love. 

Which would ya'll suggest fits my personality better??

1/12/10

I can't believe we are practically 2 weeks into the new year! How it has flown!! Same crap different day.. =/ The past few days have been HORRIBLE.. Family issues mainly.

After the gaining 2 pounds I broke into tears. Then I weighed myself today and I lost 4!!! I'm so excited!! I need to take the batteries out of the scale or else I'm going to want to weigh myself everyday and I can't put myself through that. So we'll see how its going. I've been working out at least once a day (treadmill, stretches, and some upper body strengthening). Today, however, was a day where I didn't get on the treadmill, at least so far. I walked to the bank, then walked around the stores, then came home(about a mile total). Then earlier I took another walk. This time I took my pup ginger with me, we walked all around the neighborhood (about 2 miles). So I think I'm good on the exercise today. I made up for last night too. I wasn't able to get on the treadmill, but at least I did my upper body strengthening!

I would write about my family issues, but currently I'm not sure how to put it into the right words.. That whole situation is making my mind dizzy. So for now.. I'll leave it at that.

TTFN Fellow Bloggers =]